.: A knight fallen, his will broken, unworthy :.

im on the verge of giving up on miself..

mebbe i jus need a break from all this..need to get stuff done or jus find my own self within my solitude..

isnt it ironic that the very circle of people u thought would have shared the same goals and dreams like u dont understand u too? sumtimes i feel that no matter how gd my intentions are and no matter how hard i try..people will still perceive it wrongly..And no matter how hard i try miself to make things right, it will start end up wrong..so why bother? For all that I am, i guess im just not gd enuff for this..bottomline, among all of you there, I am most ill-suited for this..I have nothing in me to contribute anymore..N verily, I have lost faith in myself and my capabilites..I cant even do wat I used to do best anymore..sigh..

I cant turn to anyone because I cant think of anyone who can understand the peril that I go thru nowadaes..My family has problems of their own and my parents already have too many things on their mind..To know that I'm in such pain would jus cause them more pain..And every time I go home, sometimes I wonder whether wat I'm practising every day is in vain..Like a dim ray of light in total darkness is wat i feel..

Cant turn to my frens..They have their own stuff to do and they share different ideologies as me..different thinkings if u might say..Even those who have the same dreams as me do not necesarily understand me for the person I am..For our origins, our upbringing, our qualities differ...And though as much as I search for a friend who I can relate to, I still feel that I have not found one..The ray of hope that I had came across before has been lost..The belief in my heart has re-affirmed my soul that perhaps, I was jus born to live in solitude for the person that I am..

I have given up on miself ya Allah..And verily, I hope that by turning to U, U will give me strength and forgive me for the sins that I unconsciously or consciously do every day..If U dont help me, I suppose no one else will..Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Tuhan Yg Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang..Maka Sayangilah Aku kerana walaupun aku telah cuba sedaya upaya untuk mengubah diriku, ku hanya manusia ya Allah dan ku sering gagal dalam jihadku walaupun niat ku sebaik mana yg ingin ku perolehi..

Ya Allah, verily You know what is best for this servant of yours..Please show me the light and grant me strength to brave the journey ahead..For I am weak and easily tempted, but I wish to change to serve U..

As Rasulullah s.a.w pernah bersabda " The most excellent Jihad is that for the conquest of the self"

And I only wish to change...for U..

Im sorry my brothers n sisters..for I have failed..For i cannot teach others when I miself need to be taught..And i shudnt correct others when I need to be corrected..Unworthy of this sword, this responsibiltiy that u have given me...

Peace Out..