.: A letter to myself :.

Dgn nama Allah yg Maha Pengasih lagi Penyayang..

Dear ReZuAn,
Many things have happened in the past yr, good and bad. Im dis part of urself who looks at all the stuff that u could have perhaps avoided/prevented durin dis past yr n in d future.
U have to admit to urself that while all was well wen u first got the post of TDO back den, u still had a tug in ur conscience as if u had taken the place of someone else who cud have done a better job. The moment u dropped to ur knees was not jus a moment of disbelief due to ur own knowledge of insecurities, but also inability back then. BAck then, things were much happier,rosier n u were more willing to take it up as then, u felt u had nthing to lose..
One year on..do u feel de same way? Ask urself dis..D post that ure takin up now is not any tom dick or harry post isnt it? Have u learnt enuff in this past yr to admit that u are ready n capable to do it? Wat more of d responsibility as an amir to be accountable for all actions of his followers? Are u willing to take dat up considerin the many imperfections dat u have?
Ure no angel my fren..U noe urself more den dis..Ur inept qualities durin IAP made many who were working for u dread it..stimes to a point where their intentions for doing it were lost..ur nafs which u still fail to ctrl till now..wat have u done in d past yr to improve urself in this area? Wen will ur final taubat be? And wateva made u tink that ure d best person for this job bec of d few succesful relations that u have among d ppl? Can u truly admit that u wud go up to any Muslim n be ready n willing to invite him to seek Mardhatillah?
And d moment that u lost ur trust in d syura..is a level that an amir shud nvr fall to..cudnt u see that u shud have prioritised reason instead of personal agenda? If that is ur level now aft a yr, then wat exactly have u developed into? Tell me honestly..do u tink u ought to b an amir now wen u cud not even have done that basic need as an amir? Wat abt the need for u to forgive n forget? Wat abt de need for u to differentiate wat shud b accepted/rejected of ppl's opinion? Wont u be emotionally disturbed once more if d same thing happened?
Perhaps u shud look at all these which has happened to u as signs for u to ask urself whether u shud still continue on this path to b the amir. Do u not see ur injured knee as a lesson for u to realise de mistakes/disabilities that u have? After all, shud all else fail, humble urself in the face of Allah swt and admit that ure not up to it due to ur many faults n weaknesses. That is perhaps the least that u can do to prevent a greater evil from happenin despite disappointing many.

Wallahu'alam,
rEzUaN

Dear rEzUaN,
Many things have happened in the past yr, good and bad. Im dis part of urself who looks at all the stuff that u have done to utmost best to seek the pleasure of Allah.
The moment u fell to ur knees wen u first got de news was a sign of acknowledgement of the utmost responsibility of the job. Ur fear was fear of Allah swt that u were afraid to take it up due to mistakes that cud become. But didnt Rasulullah s.a.w also made mistakes? we are oni human Wan..d fact that u had ijtihad will alwaes b a valid factor that u gave ur best n was willin to improve urself for the love of Allah.
U might not have been gd a leader in IAP but wasnt it ur first time? Cud u be more forgiving of urself bec u did our utmost best with ur limited resources n knowledge at those circumstances..
Have u not attempted to fast often in hopes of breaking away from ur nafs? Ure working ur way dere..learning with every day u fast to avert ur eyes n heart from undesirable objects..Didnt Bro Tariq teach u that the greatest part of jihad is not oni the ends u achieve, but also the struggle..the struggle to make urself closer to Allah swt. Did u not urself say that Allah swt will nvr abandon a servant who wishes to seek HIM..Seek HIM again Wan..for wen u go to HIM walking, HE will go to u running to help u..nvr forget dat..U did realise this weakness in urself n ure always willing to improve it..unlike others..
U inspired many sumhow along de way with ur personality..ur will to lower urself n ppl respect u despite being among the company of sum others who do not live out their responsbilities/actions as leaders..Wat more evidence do u want?
Do u not see Wan that those in the past who started w/nthin still managed to b gd leaders n became examples in ur eyes due to their similarity to who u are? N wat more of dose who have taken such a responsbility n acknowledgin u in deir eyes? Shudnt such evidence n opinion be taken more seriously?
U admitted to urself ur mistake in distrust in d syura process at a point of time..n rite now, ure more than willing to repent ..struggling n trying very hard to forget..didnt the sahabats of Nabi s.a.w used to drink n do wrongdoings b4 they became Muslims. N wat wonderful Muslims dey became!! Do u not see that bec u have seen and understood darkness that u value and appreciate light more than others?
U realise deep inside ur heart..that there is no one who cud perhaps fulfil this amanah that is given to u..not jus from those who have lived thru such a task..but also those who have worked w/u..n the syura as well..Take this moment as a means to reflect on urself and a test from Allah to see ur resolve to seek HIS Love..jus like many others..Tests to make us stronger..to become better Muslims..to continue in dis jihad in its best form..
Open ur eyes Wan..that u can do a greater good..like u said "Humility,patience and reason above self..niat n tawakkal"..u have realised all dis..n so who better to carry them out compared to those who choose to close deir eyes to deir own faults? N what more wif the many ppl who are willing to pick u up if ure down, walk beside u and blive in d same vision as u..Will u not return deir trust my fren?
Theres alwaes hope dear Wan..if she was meant for u all along, she will still b there no matter wat the cirumstances are..N if she jus isnt the one to be, remember that Allah swt will give u someone better..more suitable for de person that u are..For only Allah knows wat is best for us..
Please Wan..find it in urself..find urself once more..the old Wan who wudnt care wat happened in his path..bec he loved Allah so much..pls do..

Wallahu'alam,
ReZuAn

This is one of the longest posts i've ever had..a letter to miself..to self-reflect n see where n how ive been in de past yr..My heart is still undecided..I still cannot see the path that I shud take..Perhaps Allah still wants me to look at miself..think..n perhaps sit back to self-evaluate..i pray that wen d day comes, i will make the rite choice in HIS eyes..Wallahu'alam

Very much seekin peace.. :)