.: Giving up the thing i want the most :.

realised a lot, today..

even amist the hectic hari raya preparations..

i tried to find a reason why im soo unmotivated the past few days..and i practically blamed everything else xcept myself..n when u start on the blame game, u tend to kinda lose focus on the root of the problem, leading yrself to stay stagnant and whine all along..instead of figuring out what to do to go on..

n thats wat i've been doing all along..

every ramadhan has always brought me a lesson, in some way or another..last yr, i managed to gather myself the will to follow the terawih prayers continously despite hectic schedules..I heard over the radio that each Ramadhan shud bring with it to a person a realisation, sthing new that he can bring over with, sumthing to develop on, be it something small or big...

a realisation if u must say..

yesterday, i realised that as when i chatted with her, it was deja vu all over again. Its like only one side knocking on the door..but on the other side, only minute and measured polite responses jus for courtesy and perhaps frenship sake.

which is why i give up..

i miself dun understand why im holding on to this all along..i guess im still holding on to this ideal world where people dont jus judge u on yr looks, yr past, yr wrongdoings..and rather on yr purest intentions..but i was wrong

i cant carry on like this anymore, and i've tried to be as optimistic as i could with hopes that it could still work..but alas, i've decided to move on..

looking back..to the past yr..from my 21st b'day..i guess i've gone thru' a lot..kids camp,heartbreak, rebutia, iap,2nd sem, foc and then this false sense of hope which i've decided to leave it to Allah's hands..im not very sure miself if i can go thru all of it again, but i know i must, such is the responsibility on me in the future..

heck, i dont even think i could get so many As with the condition i am now..

but such are HIS tests..meant for me to learn, for behind everything im sure there is a lesson..And that im sure it will come in due time when it's revealed to me..for me to understand..

but for now, i stick to what i have..Holding on to my faith so dear..Because i know at certain times in yr life, all that u can depend on is HIM.. how true..

And with a heart so need of guidance..i went down..n heard the azan with my own ears..And i have to thank HIM..for i realised at the end of the day, it was the most beautiful music that one can hear..first-hand,not off the radio or anything else..

And for that im very grateful, and i have learned..that at certain points of time, certain things were just not meant to be..

Thank You..

Peace Out..

P.S : Tmrw's last nite.. Pray :)